Another quickie for the day!!

I just talked to the police and while this is taking its good old time getting done, it is in the final stages of justice. Like I mentioned, we go to meet with the DA on Wed, and then as soon as I open my mouth the charges will be filed. YIPPEE!!! HOORAY!! They won't talk to the kids too much, so that also is a good thing. Basically all the hearing is going to be from my understanding is to tell me where this all goes from here. It could go quick if they can get bond high enough to keep him in jail. Or if they can't get it that high (which to be honest we highly doubt) it will take longer...as in a year or more just to get to the preliminary hearing. The only thing that is causing me any concern is the case worker for the Childrens Bureau. She has rubbed me wrong from day one...and apparently thanks to her butting her nose in where it don't belong, things have gotten a little messed up. But nothing that will hurt the case...just people knowing that shouldn't know yet. As in his First Lt., who should not have been notified yet. That should have been done through the legal process order of things. She's getting on my last nerve as well as the police SGT. I'm going to ask that she be removed from my case, and hopefully they will see it my way.

That's an update for now. I gots to get to doing homework and all that fun stuff. I started it, just gotta finish it. UGH!!

Yet another update...

Between being super sick, school being back in, life going too fast, and just too many things to do and not enough time - I haven't been here to update for a while. Today, that will change for sure. I'm here. Kids aren't. I'm still sick, but it's all good.

First off...for those of you who have been trying to get in to read I apologize for you not being able to. I swear I changed my settings a while back so that anyone could read, but either I forgot to save or I just didn't really do it...lol Sorry!

Here's where we are now. I had the PFA (protection from abuse) hearing last Wednesday. I was so nervous. I was crying the night before I was so scared that something would go wrong. If I only knew how simple it really was gonna be!! I went in (late cuz I had to get the kids to school...lol) and my attorney found me right quick, read me the PFA order, had me sign, went and had the perp and his attorney sign, the judge signed, and the official copy was in my hand within 30 minutes of being in the courthouse. I think me and Missy (my best friend) actually waited longer for a sherriff to escort us to the car than it took to get the paperwork done!! Missy, God love her, is such a trouble maker! She is the only person I know who would actually get yelled at by a sherriff in a courthouse!! We spotted the perp on our way out...and of course Missy had to stand there and stare at the ass and make sure he knew what he was up against outside of the legal world while me and the sherriff got on the elevator. Missy had to get told by the sherriff to "get on the elevator" in that stern, sherriff voice!!lol Missy is just plain awesome! Everyone needs a friend like her! So yeah, the PFA is a done deal. Sorry bout his bad luck if I decide to go to Walmart and have to kick his sorry ass out!!LMAO

We had a party this weekend for my birthday. Built a fire in the backyard, made some s'mores, made too much food of course (someday I will get the food to person ratio figured out!), and had a good time. I got my first body piercing last week...got my navel done. It was one of those "have to do it for myself" kinda things. I had been putting it off for a long time, but with everything that is going on, I had to do it to prove to myself that I *do* have courage! And at moments it's taken courage to not rip the damn thing out!!lol

So on the table for this week we have...

Tuesday...I'm going to counseling. I'm going first so that I can give the counselors a little bit of background on the kids and what is going on.

Wednesday...We meet with the DA. FINALLY!!! This is the most crucial part of getting the charges filed. I'm glad that we finally got to this step. Also, this is maybe the last time that the kids will have to tell anyone what happened to them. This is the last time that they will be grilled about it for right now. Only if the dumbass doesn't accept the plea will the kids have to be grilled about it again. Part of me hopes that he doesn't accept the plea...only cuz I want him to get the max sentence. I got more in store for him too...and he ain't gonna like it!!lol But I don't want to discuss that right now cuz it's a secret...and just in case...I don't want him to know...lol

After we meet with the DA, charges should then be filed. I'm hoping that next weekend we can have yet another party...and it's gonna be one hell of a party!! But no matter when the ass goes to jail...we will party!! And it won't be no little party either!! I'm still getting the kids out when I can. We went to the park yesterday and they had a blast. They went to sleep super fast last night!! I went out last night, me and Missy had a girls night. But it was more or less for my birthday. All in all, we're still hanging on. I wonder how we do it most days, but we manage. Somehow, someway, someday this will all end. And justice will be served.

Progress

It's been a long two weeks. I'm getting dizzy trying to keep up with not only the everyday stuff, but also what the kids have to do and when they have to do it, what extra things I have to do, mom's work schedule and things she has to do. We thorougly enjoyed yesterday. And today I'm just chilling at home. Me and my best friend, Missy, have made it a point to make sure that the kids have a good time atleast once every weekend. Yesterday was that day. We had a picnic here at the house. We had a really good time. The kids went swimming and played in the woods. We drank a lot of beer (which I still need to clean up), ate some awesome ribs and steaks, and had a blast. We even had mom partying with us. But with the circumstances, we needed it. I'm still grinning and giggling.

So here's a little update. We had the forensic meeting. That's where we met with the counselors. The counselors took the kids one at a time to talk to them and find out what happened. I don't want to repeat it right now (since I'm in a good mood today and don't want to spoil it), but it's just terrible. The perp was also beating my son. I am pretty much assuming that he was also beating my girls. I got a PFA for all of us Thursday morning. He was served the PFA on his way to work Friday. 4:20 AM he got served!!lol I found out Saturday that the cops in town here have been sitting at the end of our road at night watching all the traffic coming in and out of town. And since I live on a dead end, they see every car that comes up here. So that makes me feel pretty safe. I have a fireman that lives next to me...he has a loaded gun in his house (he has no kids), and he said he's not afraid to use it if the Perp were to try and come here. All in all, I think we're pretty safe for the most part here. I talked to the SGT that is handling the case so far, and as of 3:30 today the Perp still hadn't come in for questioning. I think he might have tonight though. And if he didn't, they are going to get him tomorrow. The perp was online earlier...and he had "goodbye" next to his name. So after the PFA he knows atleast a little of what's up. To me, its an admission of guilt. But since the perp has loaded his gun and said he was gonna kill himself in front of me once, I called the state police (they run his area) and notified them. I told them that I know it sounds rude, ignorant and just down right mean, but I want him to go to jail and not take the easy way out by killing himself. I want him to go to jail and be violated the same way he violated my kids. I want him to have to think about what he did every single day for the rest of his life. And to think about how he got away with it for so long....but now he's behind bars and paying so dearly for the three innocent lives that he changed forever. My kids will never know the innocence of a first time with someone. They will never fully cherish their first time. And these are things that are a one time only kind of deal. My kids will never have that now. I feel so bad. It's just not right. It's not fair. And it can't be fixed. Sending him to jail isn't gonna bring their innocence back. It's justice, pure and simple. But it can't repair the damage that has been done. I hate him for that. And nothing will ever fix that. Tomorrow we go to Mercy Hospital for the exams. I don't know how they do these, but I was told that there would be no penetration with anything. So that's good. My kids are traumatized enough. All we have to do now is meet with the DA. Well, as far as the kids go. I have to go meet my lawyer next week for the PFA and then I have a hearing for the official PFA next Wed. This will be the first time I will look the perp in the face since I found out. I don't know how that's gonna go. I'm either gonna kill him right there in the court room, be drug out and put in a holding cell, or I'm gonna just sit there in panicked silence. I'm taking Missy...and she will keep me in line. Or she'll kill him for me!!HEHE

So that's the update for now. I'm going to go and enjoy the nice weather. And maybe call a friend...one that believes in me and is there for me when I need them!

Update so far...

Here's where we're at right now. The Forensic hearing is scheduled for next week. There are going to be so many people there to grill my babies. I just hope they don't ask them over and over a million times what happened. The kids are getting better. We haven't talked about it, unless they start it. Then we just listen to what they have to say. But only my son has really said much of anything. I now know why he couldn't/can't control his bowels. Or I atleast know part of why. I'm scared to even think of what might come out at this hearing. The forensic hearing is only the first step. This is just to find out what really happened. I don't know if I'm ready to hear what really happened. I'm still in shock. We went to the doctor yesterday, and the kids all checked out fine. I however, did not. The doctor gave me a sedative now for fear that if she didn't I would end up either in the hospital with serious injuries or in the mental ward.
Neither of which I can really afford to do right now. So as I type this I am on the phone with my insurance finding a psychologist. Everyone keeps asking what they can do for me. I just want to scream at them. Unless you have special powers and can turn back time there is nothing you can do for me. The only thing I ask anyone to do for me is to just be there. Be there for me to keep me strong. Be there for my kids so they know that they are loved very much.

I was accused yesterday of making this all about me. This certain person knows next to nothing about me. They have put me down, put me last, and made my self esteem so low that they have no right to say that. They do not understand that if I'm falling apart I can't help my kids. Am I wrong in my thinking? Is it wrong to say "hey, I know this happened to them, but I need your support too"? This person also said that CYS will take my kids since this happened under my care. Well, hey...I'm sorry that I took a job to pay for my truck that the "perp" had reposessed. I thought I was being a responsible adult. And how was I to know that while I was at work, and the "perp" had my babies that he was gonna do this. That's the thing about molestation....you don't exactly put it out in the open. You have to hide it cuz it's ILLEGAL!!! Then this person basically implied that I was a drug addict. Simply because I had told this person just a few days before that the dr had increased my anxiety meds. UMMM...hello...these are prescribed meds!!! And if it wasn't for these meds I would be so unstable right now. This is the same person that has hurt me so badly, and quite possibly for the rest of my life. This is not a good time for me to have to deal with how this person has and always will make me feel. But because they had to open their mouth yesterday, I can't help but think about it. As if I need more pain in my life right now, ya know??

I really wish that I could make my kids pain go away. I wish that I could erase their entire memory of this. I wish that I had never left them alone with the "perp". I wish I had never met the "perp". Unfortunately however, I did. And my kids have to pay the price for it for the rest of their lives. I am so f*cking stupid!!! And no one will disagree with that one.

Can't even go out...

Today I had to go to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. But before I could even think about going in, I had to go up and down every single aisle in the parking lot, looking for "his" car. I had to make sure that he wasn't there. Then I had to hope and pray that he didn't come in while we were in there. I can't even make a little trip to Walmart anymore. This is so unfair. Me and my kids are not the one's in the wrong here...he is. So why do we have to pay the price?? I can't wait for him to be put in jail. I want my life back. I want my kids life back. I don't want to have to shelter them from the world each time we go out.


Edited to add...I wrote this on Friday, August 17th. I accidentally hit save I guess...

This is gonna be so very hard...

Please, grab the box of tissues before you read this.

I just found out Wednesday, August 15th, that my ex boyfriend sexually assaulted all three of my kids. When my child told me what he did to her (my 6 year old), I was so mad, sick and scared all at the same time. I then talked to my 9 and 5 year old, one on one to see if the story matched up. Well, sure as heck, the stories were all the same. This happened in early 2006. I was at work while my ex boyfriend was at home with my kids. You never in a million years think that you can't trust a man who is/was in the military. He was Mr. All American here. He was supposed to honor and obey!! He lived with us!! We had (what I thought to be) the perfect life. He worked, I worked, we had money for bills and fun. But little did I know that as soon as I returned to work he started to play "the game" with my innocent little babies. He had a good 4 hours everyday with them before I would get home. He had all the time and opportunity in the world to take advantage of my kids. My 9 year old told me that this went on atleast once a week, if not more, right up until a week before he moved out. Two days before he moved out I had found pictures of young girls...NAKED young girls...on our computer and I confronted him about it. I think he figured that if he cut tail and ran that he would have gotten away with it. Little did he know that kids may not *want* to remember these things...but they are kids afterall...and things do have a way of coming out into the open sooner or later. A little more than a year may have passed, and he may have had a great life since then...but he's about to be thrown in jail with a very high bond. And I can imagine that the military is gonna have their say about this too. I have been in a state of shock since I found this out. I filed the police report the same day. I took my kids to the hospital at the suggestion of the officer I talked to. Today, Friday, August 18th all the paperwork was sent over to the DA's office. Children's Services is also involved. They were here today to meet with the kids. We're having a Forensics meeting next week sometime. By the sounds of it, there are going to be a lot of people there. The DA, both of the officers from where I filed at, Kris (CS), child psychologists, and I think also the county detective. I did tell them about the pictures I found, so his computer is going to get seized, his home is going to be searched. Because of the nature of the crime, he will have to file under Megan's Law...if he ever gets out!!

I don't really want to go into too much detail...but I will mention a few things that my kids have told us so far. I'm not gonna use any names...just in case. But we will call him "the perp". The "perp" told my 9 YO to stick something in his bum and leave it there until he poops it out. He taught my 6 YO to stick a toothbrush in her bum, "that it would feel really good." He may have actually penetrated my 5YO...she hasn't said yes or no to that one yet. He would penetrate my 5 & 6 YO with his fingers. He would make my 9 YO touch his sisters privates and penetrate them with his hands. I'm not sure if there was any other kind of penetration at this point. The "perp" would make them all touch his privates. These are just about all that I know at this point. What you have to know though when you read this is that when this happened my kids were 7, 5, and 3. Sickening, isn't it!!?? No matter what age it's sickening...but to me this is just about as sick as it gets.

I really can't think about this too much more tonight. I'm still in a great amount of shock. I keep blacking out, and it's starting to really scare me. I put things somewhere...then I lose them. I hit my head at some point...don't know where, when, or on what. I have bruise on my arm...again, I don't know how I got it. I swore that I was talking to Ralph this morning and that I just hung up on him in the middle of our conversation. I had to call him to make sure that I didn't. I forgot to take my pills today until after 3. And most of you know I'm on Chantix. I missed my first dose ever Wednesday night. Then today I took it super late. But somehow, I have managed to get through this whole ordeal without having a smoke yet. It's taken a lot of deep breaths, a lot of walking around, and more will power than I ever thought I had.

As we go through this process, I'm gonna blog it from my point of view, and maybe even my kids at times. I'm gonna share with you the struggles and the victories. Just like I do with Chantix. At some point you will be able to put the tissues away...and instead you can have a victory dance with me when that dirty, nasty, pervert is getting his due justice.

Until that day comes...I will not rest!!