Here's where we're at right now. The Forensic hearing is scheduled for next week. There are going to be so many people there to grill my babies. I just hope they don't ask them over and over a million times what happened. The kids are getting better. We haven't talked about it, unless they start it. Then we just listen to what they have to say. But only my son has really said much of anything. I now know why he couldn't/can't control his bowels. Or I atleast know part of why. I'm scared to even think of what might come out at this hearing. The forensic hearing is only the first step. This is just to find out what really happened. I don't know if I'm ready to hear what really happened. I'm still in shock. We went to the doctor yesterday, and the kids all checked out fine. I however, did not. The doctor gave me a sedative now for fear that if she didn't I would end up either in the hospital with serious injuries or in the mental ward.
Neither of which I can really afford to do right now. So as I type this I am on the phone with my insurance finding a psychologist. Everyone keeps asking what they can do for me. I just want to scream at them. Unless you have special powers and can turn back time there is nothing you can do for me. The only thing I ask anyone to do for me is to just be there. Be there for me to keep me strong. Be there for my kids so they know that they are loved very much.
I was accused yesterday of making this all about me. This certain person knows next to nothing about me. They have put me down, put me last, and made my self esteem so low that they have no right to say that. They do not understand that if I'm falling apart I can't help my kids. Am I wrong in my thinking? Is it wrong to say "hey, I know this happened to them, but I need your support too"? This person also said that CYS will take my kids since this happened under my care. Well, hey...I'm sorry that I took a job to pay for my truck that the "perp" had reposessed. I thought I was being a responsible adult. And how was I to know that while I was at work, and the "perp" had my babies that he was gonna do this. That's the thing about molestation....you don't exactly put it out in the open. You have to hide it cuz it's ILLEGAL!!! Then this person basically implied that I was a drug addict. Simply because I had told this person just a few days before that the dr had increased my anxiety meds. UMMM...hello...these are prescribed meds!!! And if it wasn't for these meds I would be so unstable right now. This is the same person that has hurt me so badly, and quite possibly for the rest of my life. This is not a good time for me to have to deal with how this person has and always will make me feel. But because they had to open their mouth yesterday, I can't help but think about it. As if I need more pain in my life right now, ya know??
I really wish that I could make my kids pain go away. I wish that I could erase their entire memory of this. I wish that I had never left them alone with the "perp". I wish I had never met the "perp". Unfortunately however, I did. And my kids have to pay the price for it for the rest of their lives. I am so f*cking stupid!!! And no one will disagree with that one.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Can't even go out...
Today I had to go to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions. But before I could even think about going in, I had to go up and down every single aisle in the parking lot, looking for "his" car. I had to make sure that he wasn't there. Then I had to hope and pray that he didn't come in while we were in there. I can't even make a little trip to Walmart anymore. This is so unfair. Me and my kids are not the one's in the wrong here...he is. So why do we have to pay the price?? I can't wait for him to be put in jail. I want my life back. I want my kids life back. I don't want to have to shelter them from the world each time we go out.
Edited to add...I wrote this on Friday, August 17th. I accidentally hit save I guess...
Edited to add...I wrote this on Friday, August 17th. I accidentally hit save I guess...
Friday, August 17, 2007
This is gonna be so very hard...
Please, grab the box of tissues before you read this.
I just found out Wednesday, August 15th, that my ex boyfriend sexually assaulted all three of my kids. When my child told me what he did to her (my 6 year old), I was so mad, sick and scared all at the same time. I then talked to my 9 and 5 year old, one on one to see if the story matched up. Well, sure as heck, the stories were all the same. This happened in early 2006. I was at work while my ex boyfriend was at home with my kids. You never in a million years think that you can't trust a man who is/was in the military. He was Mr. All American here. He was supposed to honor and obey!! He lived with us!! We had (what I thought to be) the perfect life. He worked, I worked, we had money for bills and fun. But little did I know that as soon as I returned to work he started to play "the game" with my innocent little babies. He had a good 4 hours everyday with them before I would get home. He had all the time and opportunity in the world to take advantage of my kids. My 9 year old told me that this went on atleast once a week, if not more, right up until a week before he moved out. Two days before he moved out I had found pictures of young girls...NAKED young girls...on our computer and I confronted him about it. I think he figured that if he cut tail and ran that he would have gotten away with it. Little did he know that kids may not *want* to remember these things...but they are kids afterall...and things do have a way of coming out into the open sooner or later. A little more than a year may have passed, and he may have had a great life since then...but he's about to be thrown in jail with a very high bond. And I can imagine that the military is gonna have their say about this too. I have been in a state of shock since I found this out. I filed the police report the same day. I took my kids to the hospital at the suggestion of the officer I talked to. Today, Friday, August 18th all the paperwork was sent over to the DA's office. Children's Services is also involved. They were here today to meet with the kids. We're having a Forensics meeting next week sometime. By the sounds of it, there are going to be a lot of people there. The DA, both of the officers from where I filed at, Kris (CS), child psychologists, and I think also the county detective. I did tell them about the pictures I found, so his computer is going to get seized, his home is going to be searched. Because of the nature of the crime, he will have to file under Megan's Law...if he ever gets out!!
I don't really want to go into too much detail...but I will mention a few things that my kids have told us so far. I'm not gonna use any names...just in case. But we will call him "the perp". The "perp" told my 9 YO to stick something in his bum and leave it there until he poops it out. He taught my 6 YO to stick a toothbrush in her bum, "that it would feel really good." He may have actually penetrated my 5YO...she hasn't said yes or no to that one yet. He would penetrate my 5 & 6 YO with his fingers. He would make my 9 YO touch his sisters privates and penetrate them with his hands. I'm not sure if there was any other kind of penetration at this point. The "perp" would make them all touch his privates. These are just about all that I know at this point. What you have to know though when you read this is that when this happened my kids were 7, 5, and 3. Sickening, isn't it!!?? No matter what age it's sickening...but to me this is just about as sick as it gets.
I really can't think about this too much more tonight. I'm still in a great amount of shock. I keep blacking out, and it's starting to really scare me. I put things somewhere...then I lose them. I hit my head at some point...don't know where, when, or on what. I have bruise on my arm...again, I don't know how I got it. I swore that I was talking to Ralph this morning and that I just hung up on him in the middle of our conversation. I had to call him to make sure that I didn't. I forgot to take my pills today until after 3. And most of you know I'm on Chantix. I missed my first dose ever Wednesday night. Then today I took it super late. But somehow, I have managed to get through this whole ordeal without having a smoke yet. It's taken a lot of deep breaths, a lot of walking around, and more will power than I ever thought I had.
As we go through this process, I'm gonna blog it from my point of view, and maybe even my kids at times. I'm gonna share with you the struggles and the victories. Just like I do with Chantix. At some point you will be able to put the tissues away...and instead you can have a victory dance with me when that dirty, nasty, pervert is getting his due justice.
Until that day comes...I will not rest!!
I just found out Wednesday, August 15th, that my ex boyfriend sexually assaulted all three of my kids. When my child told me what he did to her (my 6 year old), I was so mad, sick and scared all at the same time. I then talked to my 9 and 5 year old, one on one to see if the story matched up. Well, sure as heck, the stories were all the same. This happened in early 2006. I was at work while my ex boyfriend was at home with my kids. You never in a million years think that you can't trust a man who is/was in the military. He was Mr. All American here. He was supposed to honor and obey!! He lived with us!! We had (what I thought to be) the perfect life. He worked, I worked, we had money for bills and fun. But little did I know that as soon as I returned to work he started to play "the game" with my innocent little babies. He had a good 4 hours everyday with them before I would get home. He had all the time and opportunity in the world to take advantage of my kids. My 9 year old told me that this went on atleast once a week, if not more, right up until a week before he moved out. Two days before he moved out I had found pictures of young girls...NAKED young girls...on our computer and I confronted him about it. I think he figured that if he cut tail and ran that he would have gotten away with it. Little did he know that kids may not *want* to remember these things...but they are kids afterall...and things do have a way of coming out into the open sooner or later. A little more than a year may have passed, and he may have had a great life since then...but he's about to be thrown in jail with a very high bond. And I can imagine that the military is gonna have their say about this too. I have been in a state of shock since I found this out. I filed the police report the same day. I took my kids to the hospital at the suggestion of the officer I talked to. Today, Friday, August 18th all the paperwork was sent over to the DA's office. Children's Services is also involved. They were here today to meet with the kids. We're having a Forensics meeting next week sometime. By the sounds of it, there are going to be a lot of people there. The DA, both of the officers from where I filed at, Kris (CS), child psychologists, and I think also the county detective. I did tell them about the pictures I found, so his computer is going to get seized, his home is going to be searched. Because of the nature of the crime, he will have to file under Megan's Law...if he ever gets out!!
I don't really want to go into too much detail...but I will mention a few things that my kids have told us so far. I'm not gonna use any names...just in case. But we will call him "the perp". The "perp" told my 9 YO to stick something in his bum and leave it there until he poops it out. He taught my 6 YO to stick a toothbrush in her bum, "that it would feel really good." He may have actually penetrated my 5YO...she hasn't said yes or no to that one yet. He would penetrate my 5 & 6 YO with his fingers. He would make my 9 YO touch his sisters privates and penetrate them with his hands. I'm not sure if there was any other kind of penetration at this point. The "perp" would make them all touch his privates. These are just about all that I know at this point. What you have to know though when you read this is that when this happened my kids were 7, 5, and 3. Sickening, isn't it!!?? No matter what age it's sickening...but to me this is just about as sick as it gets.
I really can't think about this too much more tonight. I'm still in a great amount of shock. I keep blacking out, and it's starting to really scare me. I put things somewhere...then I lose them. I hit my head at some point...don't know where, when, or on what. I have bruise on my arm...again, I don't know how I got it. I swore that I was talking to Ralph this morning and that I just hung up on him in the middle of our conversation. I had to call him to make sure that I didn't. I forgot to take my pills today until after 3. And most of you know I'm on Chantix. I missed my first dose ever Wednesday night. Then today I took it super late. But somehow, I have managed to get through this whole ordeal without having a smoke yet. It's taken a lot of deep breaths, a lot of walking around, and more will power than I ever thought I had.
As we go through this process, I'm gonna blog it from my point of view, and maybe even my kids at times. I'm gonna share with you the struggles and the victories. Just like I do with Chantix. At some point you will be able to put the tissues away...and instead you can have a victory dance with me when that dirty, nasty, pervert is getting his due justice.
Until that day comes...I will not rest!!