Here's where we're at right now. The Forensic hearing is scheduled for next week. There are going to be so many people there to grill my babies. I just hope they don't ask them over and over a million times what happened. The kids are getting better. We haven't talked about it, unless they start it. Then we just listen to what they have to say. But only my son has really said much of anything. I now know why he couldn't/can't control his bowels. Or I atleast know part of why. I'm scared to even think of what might come out at this hearing. The forensic hearing is only the first step. This is just to find out what really happened. I don't know if I'm ready to hear what really happened. I'm still in shock. We went to the doctor yesterday, and the kids all checked out fine. I however, did not. The doctor gave me a sedative now for fear that if she didn't I would end up either in the hospital with serious injuries or in the mental ward.
Neither of which I can really afford to do right now. So as I type this I am on the phone with my insurance finding a psychologist. Everyone keeps asking what they can do for me. I just want to scream at them. Unless you have special powers and can turn back time there is nothing you can do for me. The only thing I ask anyone to do for me is to just be there. Be there for me to keep me strong. Be there for my kids so they know that they are loved very much.
I was accused yesterday of making this all about me. This certain person knows next to nothing about me. They have put me down, put me last, and made my self esteem so low that they have no right to say that. They do not understand that if I'm falling apart I can't help my kids. Am I wrong in my thinking? Is it wrong to say "hey, I know this happened to them, but I need your support too"? This person also said that CYS will take my kids since this happened under my care. Well, hey...I'm sorry that I took a job to pay for my truck that the "perp" had reposessed. I thought I was being a responsible adult. And how was I to know that while I was at work, and the "perp" had my babies that he was gonna do this. That's the thing about molestation....you don't exactly put it out in the open. You have to hide it cuz it's ILLEGAL!!! Then this person basically implied that I was a drug addict. Simply because I had told this person just a few days before that the dr had increased my anxiety meds. UMMM...hello...these are prescribed meds!!! And if it wasn't for these meds I would be so unstable right now. This is the same person that has hurt me so badly, and quite possibly for the rest of my life. This is not a good time for me to have to deal with how this person has and always will make me feel. But because they had to open their mouth yesterday, I can't help but think about it. As if I need more pain in my life right now, ya know??
I really wish that I could make my kids pain go away. I wish that I could erase their entire memory of this. I wish that I had never left them alone with the "perp". I wish I had never met the "perp". Unfortunately however, I did. And my kids have to pay the price for it for the rest of their lives. I am so f*cking stupid!!! And no one will disagree with that one.
1 comment:
You are not F**king stupid! Please do not blame yourself for going to work and trusting this man. As you said he was Mr. American. I was assaulted when I was 21 - a far cry from being a very young child, but I didn't know the man...I was taken against my will...he went to jail, but did not serve the amount that was on the table. Ok enough about me. What you are doing for your children, by letting them start the conversation, and letting them see a therapist is the best you can do for them. You're right this is very unfair where they will never know their first times. I'm praying that since they are so young, they may be able to "forget" about it, and hopefully not have any issues as they are growing up. I do not know who you are, or who the perp is. I'm just a friend from JFTFOI. I saw your thread, and I was pulled toward it, like I HAD to read what was going on. I agree when you say that people keep asking you what they can do for you. There is NOT anything your friends can do except be there for you. No one can understand or feel what you and your babies are going thru....at least I can relate. I'm not a religious person, but I am going to say a prayer for you and your babies that you make it thru this and that you can go on with your life knowing that...oh I want to swear so much!!!!! That the idiot spends ALL of the time in jail and I hope he gets what he's done to your babies. From my understanding, they don't like sex offenders in jail, and they do what they did to the persons, especially children! This is my first time commenting on a blog, but I felt like I was led to your thread and offer to you what happened to me. If you have any questions that I may be able to answer, let me know. WA
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